FabSwingers

Fab swingers (fabsw). The only thing I find better than porn is the actual insertion of a cock into a warm, wet, living hole. Sometimes girls talk too much, but I can't help it. I think it's a must for dating. Speaking of which, the front page of FabSwingers.com says the entry fee is zero. Not bad for a site for swingers to meet freaks.

There's not much interesting on the landing page, but some facts are there nonetheless. As I write this article, over 30,000 people are online. That's amazing. There's free video chat, live cameras, a search for local swingers, and even an authentication system to make sure you're meeting real people. I hope this site is legit because I'm going to call my Viagra dealer right now to see if he's busy. Please skip to the end so there are no spoilers.

The thought behind the title

The movie "Austin Powers" ran from 1997 to 2002 and brought attention to the silly stereotype of '60s swingers, and in 2006, decades after everyone had stopped laughing about "fab," a website called "Fab Swingers" appeared online.

Despite claims that the site was founded by a couple of real swingers, it would be a mistake not to hold Mike Myers responsible. Frankly, it should be good company for him: more than a decade later, the site is viewed nearly 20 million times a month. Myers ruined his own career a few years ago by making the torture porn movie "Love Guru."

How odd that the word "fab" is making a comeback. Maybe the Fab Swingers of "Fab Swingers" are just a bunch of outdated fucks still swapping wives in nursing homes as their numbers dwindle and dwindle.

The site certainly doesn't look like something from the 60's. There was no Internet back then, but it certainly would have been full of hippie-style flowers and ugly plaid patterns. No, this page is something from the early '90s.

One thing's for sure, you won't get very far if you don't register. I avoid giving out my email address whenever possible, but if FabSwingers can deliver what it promises, I know it's worth the flood of imitation purse offers and Nigerian prince scams that sometimes arise after signing up for a new site. They're out there.

It's where the women are.

Signing up for the site is surprisingly easy and requires little effort. Choose a username and password, add your age and gender, and you're almost there. Next, you'll be asked who you want to meet. You can choose any age group - men, women, different types of couples, or even transvestites.

They ask if you are willing to travel, stay the night, or date smokers. It's a little disappointing that there are few options for drug use. Everyone knows that drunk girls treat them like crazy, but have you ever tasted honey from a stoner. Yes, that hunger makesI went to the search page and checked all the boxes - I wanted women between the ages of 18 and 80, smokers or non-smokers, certified or non-certified, living in any state. I told the search engine to "break it all down," not just because I wanted to break it down, but because I wanted to see what results I would get.

The query "FabSwingers" came up with 17 results. Only two of the results with pictures had sagging old ladies. I also tried neighboring states with more metropolitan areas, but only found 28 profiles. Again, most of them were without photos. However, at least this time there were two mature women.

This site has a high age range and surprisingly few local swingers. In the entire state of California, only 150 of them meet my requirements for a beautiful woman. I don't know why.

In fact, I'm not surprised at all. Sorry, grandmas and grandpas, but online dating isn't something old people do anymore. There is a whole category of phone apps that could do without the hassle - FabSwinger still exists because it has a name that even gray-haired people can understand, and it doesn't require enough blood flow to your fingers to operate the touch screen. Unless you're on death's doorstep, there's no need to worry.